~mandakinns

im not going to art school anymore. no money for it. im in a numb place right now. it is nice. i just dont care about anything. lauren still feels the need to harass me. so annoying. i havent talked to chris and i dont want to. i dont want anything to do with boys right now. i just want to be alone. i wish i had a camera, to bad mine is broken. things are ok at home, up and down. im in a good place right now. the weird part is, im lost, but im ok with that. im kind of just going with the flow. when im 18 ill deal with everything. luckily i still have 2 more months. it seems to be going by ever so quick though. i still have no idea what i want to do for my 18th. guess ill figure it out later. i look diffrent. i am tan and i have long dark hair. it is pretty. ive lost weight, changed my style. its nice. im so numb right now. nothing seems to great. it is nice cause i cant really seem to feel pain. but i wish i could get excited about something. maybe tomorrow will bring something new and wonderous, probably not though. oh well. life goes on. im just kind of waiting. it will hit me. everything will make sense in time.

its sad that when i he wanted me i got rid of him.. i miss him and i still like him.. but it wont work now.

this isnt art related. and most my writings are not on here.. but i like ranting on here.. probably cause noone i know is going to read it, most likely.. right now laurens brother mat is in washington with my family. and i know i shouldnt take out my anger from her on her little brother. but yet i hate being around him now just causes hes related to her.. and she really screws up my life. even when shes not around.. i got drunk last night.. and i knew i should of left, but i didnt want to miss out on something funny. and i should of left. now im all sketched.. and freaking cause of what happend while i was there. kyles being almost prefect. its nice. i wish lauren would go away.. everyone wishes she would.. whether they admit it or not to her, they have to me.. and emily is pissing me off. making fun of me. its not my fault kyle doesnt like her. she has crap for personality. and shes a butherface not my fault. whatever.. im going to go.. this is pointless and doesnt acomplish anything. i need to learn to let go..

is frustrating me right now.. i cant seem to think of anything to draw.. ive painted a couple paintings and im working on a drawing but i usually draw girls so drawing guys is weird and thats what im working on right now.. its complicated. it shouldnt be i would think that guys would be easier since their bodies are shaped straighter than a girls are..
whatever, eventually i will get it..
but i need to finish it soon. i have to turn it in soon to my college. im nervous. i went an met with her and she said that she liked what i had and that i deffinitly had raw talent. and she woudl like to see more drawings less photography.. she said sunsets are nice but everyone does them. and the photo i hated she liked. she said i really captured something that most people dont even notice. and yeah i did.. but i dont like the color in the shot. the lighting is off to me. if would be my fav excpet for that...
idk.

my mom is taking forever to get ready. i need to get to the store to get some art suplies..
im really frustrated today. cause my mom is try to prevent me from getting into college. and im getting really angry..
i need this. i want it so bad. and i just cant live here anymore. im tired. and im so sick of them putting em down and being negative abotu me. or just being negative.. i hate being surounded iwht negativity all the time. weres the possitive flow?
i do stuff to banish my negative energy but it just comes right back. and im better when im not at home. but then i come back and im down again. it sucks.